The Sound of Silence

I have lived the past 10 weeks of my life in more silence than ever. And, for an extrovert, that's been one heck of an loud statement about what I'm trying to value.

I should have seen this coming back in February, when I experienced a little prong trouble. My ol' faithful laptop of 4.5 years lost its middle electrical outlet prong when it became stuck in the dining hall wall socket--during the middle of rushing (unsuccessfully) to meet a senior project deadline over a plate of ranch dressing and tater tots. Overall, it was a fairly unpleasant situation.

At the risk of being electrocuted, I pried out the prong with my size 9 fingertips and carried it in my pocket for the next 4 months, always having to line it up exactly in the hole so that the charge would pass through it (in case you're wondering...). It worked until May, when my pesky middle prong became lodged in an especially snug outlet, never again to see the light of day or of an electric charge. So, I made a promise to myself: For the summer, I'd experiment with not having a computer at home. Though I could access my favorite networking sites from the office, I'd have to find ways other than facebook, Twitter, Flash Player, Bookworm, etc. to occupy my free time in the evenings. And, with more outdoor reading, exercising, and journaling than ever, I was grateful for my summer of relative silence.

Similarly, when I moved into a new apartment later in the summer, there was a debate about who would pay for cable, and I opted not to fight for it. So, I've been television-less at home (and computer-less) for about the past 6 weeks. Though I've watched dvds and sometime hooked up my mp3 player to my speakers for some Girl Talk, Ingrid Michaelson or DJ Felli Fel, I've had to grow accustomed to being in silence.

Which is scary, I always say, because I'm never sure what I'll hear when I'm in the midst of it.

Contemplation is a scary word for a woman who knows she has much introspection and personal development to do. I've always been drawn to contemplative lifestyles--especially when they're coupled with action--and committing myself to such praxis has been my goal for years. There's something so beautiful about making a commitment to living more intentionally.

But, no matter how hard I try, I find myself sleeping in before work rather than waking up, leisurely reading the paper and praying in the space of my bedroom which I've specifically committed (and not yet used) for this very ritual. I want so much to balance my loud and involved lifestyle with some centering silence every day, and yet something holds me back. Whether its the fear of routine or the practice of being silent itself, it's a struggle I've been trying to embrace.

Three weeks ago, a new computer cord came to me in the mail. Last week, the cable company surprised me and came to my apartment, and I'm now hooked up with 70 channels. To be honest, I'm missing the silence, even though I don't take advantage of it as much as I should.

But who knows: Maybe it will be more of a statement if I choose silence--even if I don't know what to do with it--rather than forcing myself into it.